Sometimes, it’s hard to know which feelings propel us forward and which ones hold us back. Especially when we can’t quite distinguish what it is that we’re feeling in the first place. Here’s a guide that might help you figure things out.

Imagine a mouse and a rat – they’re easily confused but one is a whole lot more dangerous and destructive than the other. Those animals are guilt and shame.

These feelings can have different causes. Guilt is more likely when we’ve fallen short of other people’s standards (and sometimes those are standards that exist for a good reason – like don’t drive when you’re drunk). Shame often arises when we’ve transgressed standards that we’ve set for ourselves (often unrealistic standards!).

Our reactions can be different too. With helpful guilt, we can face the behaviors that hurt ourselves and others and, once we take responsibility and change that behavior, we can heal. Unhelpful guilt can lead us to try to punish ourselves and detach from others. If you’re feeling that way, try to separate out the helpful guilt and look at whatever’s left over. Can you show yourself some kindness?

Shame can lead to some of the most dangerous behaviors of all (if you haven’t guessed yet, it’s the rat in this metaphor). We end up seeing ourselves as deeply flawed, and so we fear that we’ll be rejected by others and disconnect to avoid that from happening. It’s a vicious cycle that can be terrible for your self-esteem.

Shame is one of the most primal feelings we have. Studies have found that infants as young as 15 months can experience shame whereas guilt tends to come later, typically somewhere around 3-6 years old.

If you’re struggling with feelings of shame or unhelpful guilt, you can contact the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Helpline on 1-800-662-HELP (4357).